Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Misadventures on the Metro

chapter 29

Dear Body,

We both know I have an extensive list of qualms with you. Most days I’d rather puncture my eyeballs with dull forks than stare at your reflection. If you wanted, you could solve this whole squabble tonight while I sleep by morphing into a 5’7”, leggy, slim-curvy size 4 with flawless skin and hair. I’m not being unreasonable here.

For today, let’s address qualm #12098398 – you’re being a big fat PANSY.

You know you are. It’s like you wake up and say, “Good Morning, world. I’m Becky’s body and I’ll do whatever I feel like doing!” Lately you feel like cuddling up with every single nasty germ you run across. Then you sing it a love song. And spoon it to sleep.

At first I was cool with you bringing home an occasional germ. Who doesn’t love a sick day and the requisite time off work? After some rest I’d return to regular life with my religious hand washing and sanitizing, but your lusty germ desires trumped all hygiene attempts. And now, three months later, I’ve suffered your self-indulgence LONG ENOUGH.

The real problem is the Metro. And the fact that a stranger so much as sneezes in your vicinity and you’re sniffling by noon. I’m fed up with the perpetual coughing, sneezing, nose-running, body aches, fever and plugged ears.

What do we need to do – install sick-screeners to weed out the ill at all Metro stations? Actually, that’s not a bad idea. We’re not talking full physicals, but there’s got to be some sort of body scanner to detect both sickness and contagion levels. If not, DEAR WORLD, PLEASE INVENT THIS!

Or we could run quarantine trains. It doesn’t even have to be an entire train, just a few cars. These cars would be allocated to diseased riders. Feeling warm? No problem – Ride the Quarantine Car! Runny nose? Quarantine Car. Itchy throat? QUARANTINE CAR. I guess we’d also have to hire Quarantine Car officers to sift the "diseased" from the DISEASED.

Perhaps the solution lies in education. Metro riders should be required to complete “Metro Sanitation 101” before riding. (Let’s throw in “Metro Courtesies 101” for good measure). We’ll have an entire section about hand washing, and how to cough into your arm and NOT the hand used for pole balancing.

Then again, maybe the answer is simple. Just as I use hand washing to combat your affinity for dirty, dirty germs, maybe the Metro can use cleaning to combat the spread of viruses. Metro Janitors are rumored to exist, but I dare you to ride a train and conclude the stains, smudges and mystery spots are only a day or two old. I’m willing to bet those “janitors” use the same rag to wipe down all surfaces, essentially enabling wider germ distribution. That is, if the “janitors” even exist.

I’m getting sidetracked. What I’m trying to tell you is STOP LOVING METRO GERMS. Quit it! Seriously.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to draft a strongly worded letter to the Metro powers that be.

Disdainfully yours,

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1 comment:

Andrea said...

You are so funny, and I'll support you on the quarantine cars. I bet Dan would volunteer to help with the physicals. ;)