In the Toilet: American Idol "fashion" (Top 24)

American Idol Season 10 is PAINFULLY booooooooooring. (Can I get an AMEN?!) So tonight Wickstrom Adventures presents an extra special A.I. fashion flush:

He said/She said

He's sporting a mullet, she's seducing the camera like nobody's business and together, they're teaming up to provide straight-shooting, limited-expletive-laden analysis of the so-called "fashion" parading around Idol. Behold:

She said: "Look, Chris. It's your brother in mullets."



He said: "It's like Beatles on the top and Billy Ray Cyrus (circa '92) on the bottom. Definitely a whale of a tale. Grow for the gold, bro!"


She said: "Did you really just say 'whale of a tale?' Um..."

He said: "This was my favorite outfit of the night. I'm a little sentimental seeing granny's entryway rug again."


She said: "It's like the single most unflattering 'vest' I've ever seen. Let this be a lesson to us all: the fastest way to add 300 lbs. to your hips is by wearing a rug-turned-vest."

She said: "Okay, be honest. Would you rather be known as 'crazy eyes girl' or 'never comb your hair girl?'"


He said: "Depends on what I'm singing."

He said: "Check it out -- not only is my DAWG extending the Randy Jackson World Cardigan Tour of '09 into another season, he's paying tribute to Paula Abdul's jewelry addiction, or, as you'd say, 'over-blingifying.' Isn't there some rule about too much jewelry? Personally, I stick with just one tasteful accessory: my belly ring." She said: "True, but I'm loving the watch. Reminds me of a certain timepiece in my jewelry box."

She said: "Thoughts?"



He said: "The outfit is showing up all over her face as severe pain."



She said: "She's obviously suffering from dual climatizationitis -- her nightie is creating Arctic conditions up top while the leg warmers are giving her sweaty calf syndrome."


He said: "ARE WE DONE YET?"



She said: "You're right. This is exhausting work, especially since half of these people will be off the show before we can even finish this post. I say we provide the pictures and let the masses scoff for themselves. But before we sign off, we must note that Allison is still her horribly dressed self."


He said: "What she said."


Thanks for tuning into this special He said/She said A.I. fashion flush. You can participate in the fun by adding you two cents on the following "fashion" tragedies in the comments:

The inexplicably mismatched accessories

The ace bandage shoes paired with tacky lace hosiery

The armored shoulder pads

The feminine hygiene product headband

The white fright

The taffeta dress and Teva river shoes

Click here to catch up on In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion."

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In the Toilet: American Idol fashion 2010

I'm breaking my silence and shaking off the dust for a GOOD CAUSE:

It's FLUSHING time!

A gold lamé hefty bag with ruched elbow-length sleeves and a bubble hem? Worn with semi sheer leggings and prom shoes?! So Kara's new style is seventh grader-meets-Zsa Zsa Gabor-meets-tranny hero from Gentlemen Broncos (odd, yet hilarious movie -- go see it!)?

Apparently they didn't fire American Idol's infamous stylists which means we're in for another fabulously awful season of fashion disasters. Get excited.

Refresh on last year's "fashion" analysis here.

P.S. Did you see my friend Justin Williams on the show? Cutie, right? Become a fan here.
P.P.S. I've missed you! I fell off the planet for a few months and I'm slowly climbing back. Let's be bffs again, k?

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In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion" (FINALE -- part 2)

It's BIRTHDAY WEEK!

Enter the BIG BIRTHDAY GIVEAWAY by clicking on the cupcake over there:

Since we're celebrating, I decided to get you a present -- something OUTDATED, CLASSLESS and TACKY. And something you've been BEGGING for!

Behold:

I was admittedly confused when Ryan Secrest began the American Idol finale by introducing the set painters. (Is Fox implying a spinoff series? Will Kris paint houses and Adam paint fingernails?) It got weirder when the set painters' back-up dancers took the stage:

I mean really -- who knew white came in so many terrifying shapes and accessories? One hideous outfit stood out in the sea of white fright:
This is Allison's geriatric-nurse-in-a-housecoat-and-Keds look. The worst part? This wasn't her most disgraceful ensemble of the night. She also wore footless tights with strappy shoes:
and a dress that revealed all of Victoria's Secrets. I kept waiting for Fox to insert a modesty graphic near the hem of her ever-creeping "skirt."

Despite her best efforts to steal the spotlight by wearing distasteful, age-inappropriate and immodest apparel, this show wasn't about Allison. It was an epic, head-to-head battle of the

(the two main voting groups of the final contestants).

In this, our last review of American Idol's most disastrously UNfashionable season EVER, we're going to defer to the opinions that really matter: the Queens and Tweens.

PAULA

Oh honey! I love a girl (or boy, tee hee) who's not afraid to wear her stripper dress with the dangly boob tassels in public. SWING IT, SISTER!

CYNDI LAUPER

Okay, so like my teacher, like, in science class, like, just talked about caterpillars. And, like, the cocoon thingies that, like, they make before they turn into, like, moths or buttterflies, or whatever. But, OMG!, I didn't know they made caterpillar BODYSUITS! MMMMOOOOOMMMM! I WANT A CATERPILLAR BODYSUIT!

WHAT'SHERFACE

Why are that girl's, like, boots as long as her, like, dress or shirty thingy? Did she forget pants? One day I almost forgot pants and my mom was like, "You march upstairs and put on some pants." Like, whatever, MOM! Look at this girl -- she's not wearing pants and her mom let her on stage still. GOSH!

KARA

Oh Kara, we are all about your mood jewelry (even if we daresay it's a bit large and gaudy). But any ten cent drag queen could guess what whitish gray means: you hate the person sitting on your right. The person wearing boob tassels. The person with that crazy look in her eyes. Not so subtle, sweetheart.

But what we really want to talk about is that FIERCE LBD (little black dress, in layman's terms):
It left us feeling hot. And just when we thought you couldn't look any more fabulous, you did this:
Oh diva! What we would have paid to see the drool dripping down Simon's chin! Well played, honey. Well played.

And you know we love you and you're hot and all, but we wish you would have sported the LBD all night instead of that fussy bow-ed frock. You looked like you were wearing seatbelts for a girdle.

MALIBU BARBIE

I'm not, like, saying I play with Barbies -- because I totally don't anymore -- but, like, when did they get tattoos? And, like, when did they start coming to life? And also, like -- not that I would notice or anything -- but, like, why is Barbie still wearing the same outfit from like a million years ago?
In the name of all that is fierce and chic! Those sorry excuses for stilettos/leather legwarmers/slingback boots just made us throw up in our mouths. Malibu Barbie would never be so crass. This gross, gross girl disgraces Barbie's good name!

QUEEN LATIFAH

Don't mistake -- we are card-carrying members of the Large and in Charge and TOTALLY FIERCE Club, but not when it's packaged like this, honey. Can someone please explain why our Covergirl is wearing a onsie? She looks like a sausage roll. Seriously, wearing that outfit is like BEGGING for a giant, un-pickable wedgie!

And don't get me started on the zip-off nursing triangle covering her right bosom.

FERGIE

Like, why, like, does Fergie have weapons for nails? She's, like, totally freaking me out.

ADAM, our 2009 American Idol

So, forgive us, but we're like totally emotional. Tonight was Adam's shining moment. And he was ABSOLUTELY dressed for the part. I mean, he started off so strong, with a decorative holster to compliment his shimmery red taffeta tie. And then (hold on, we're dabbing our eyes), he stepped out on stage wearing the most beautiful set of leather bondage/angel wings we've ever seen.
And we were watching and like, dying on the spot. And then, we saw the wide shot of his outfit:

I mean SASHA FIERCE, back me up, girl! What business does he have wearing such amazing platforms. I mean they're borderline stilts. Added to the leather and wings, we were knocked over. We literally couldn't get up from our chairs. All we could do was sit there, our mouths agape, and plan our knock-off outfits.

You could tell Adam felt like a million bucks -- I swear we saw a few tears in his eyes:
Oh, wait. I guess it was just glitter.

But, seriously. It's like all of Adam's fashion choices on the show led to this one moment, where he truly discovered where he belongs: sandwiched between two old men wearing makeup.
Could it be a more perfect ensemble? Adam, you've arrived! We love you, our American Idol! You'll always shine brighter than Kristine or Chrissy or Kreg or whatever that other person's name was.

Catch up on an entire season of "In the Toilet: American Idol 'Fashion'" by clicking here.

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