Monday, July 06, 2009

In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion" (FINALE -- part 2)

It's BIRTHDAY WEEK!

Enter the BIG BIRTHDAY GIVEAWAY by clicking on the cupcake over there:

Since we're celebrating, I decided to get you a present -- something OUTDATED, CLASSLESS and TACKY. And something you've been BEGGING for!

Behold:
I was admittedly confused when Ryan Secrest began the American Idol finale by introducing the set painters. (Is Fox implying a spinoff series? Will Kris paint houses and Adam paint fingernails?) It got weirder when the set painters' back-up dancers took the stage:
I mean really -- who knew white came in so many terrifying shapes and accessories? One hideous outfit stood out in the sea of white fright:
This is Allison's geriatric-nurse-in-a-housecoat-and-Keds look. The worst part? This wasn't her most disgraceful ensemble of the night. She also wore footless tights with strappy shoes:
and a dress that revealed all of Victoria's Secrets. I kept waiting for Fox to insert a modesty graphic near the hem of her ever-creeping "skirt."


Despite her best efforts to steal the spotlight by wearing distasteful, age-inappropriate and immodest apparel, this show wasn't about Allison. It was an epic, head-to-head battle of the

(the two main voting groups of the final contestants).

In this, our last review of American Idol's most disastrously UNfashionable season EVER, we're going to defer to the opinions that really matter: the Queens and Tweens.

PAULA
Oh honey! I love a girl (or boy, tee hee) who's not afraid to wear her stripper dress with the dangly boob tassels in public. SWING IT, SISTER!



CYNDI LAUPER
Okay, so like my teacher, like, in science class, like, just talked about caterpillars. And, like, the cocoon thingies that, like, they make before they turn into, like, moths or buttterflies, or whatever. But, OMG!, I didn't know they made caterpillar BODYSUITS! MMMMOOOOOMMMM! I WANT A CATERPILLAR BODYSUIT!


WHAT'SHERFACE
Why are that girl's, like, boots as long as her, like, dress or shirty thingy? Did she forget pants? One day I almost forgot pants and my mom was like, "You march upstairs and put on some pants." Like, whatever, MOM! Look at this girl -- she's not wearing pants and her mom let her on stage still. GOSH!


KARA
Oh Kara, we are all about your mood jewelry (even if we daresay it's a bit large and gaudy). But any ten cent drag queen could guess what whitish gray means: you hate the person sitting on your right. The person wearing boob tassels. The person with that crazy look in her eyes. Not so subtle, sweetheart.

But what we really want to talk about is that FIERCE LBD (little black dress, in layman's terms):
It left us feeling hot. And just when we thought you couldn't look any more fabulous, you did this:
Oh diva! What we would have paid to see the drool dripping down Simon's chin! Well played, honey. Well played.

And you know we love you and you're hot and all, but we wish you would have sported the LBD all night instead of that fussy bow-ed frock. You looked like you were wearing seatbelts for a girdle.


MALIBU BARBIE

I'm not, like, saying I play with Barbies -- because I totally don't anymore -- but, like, when did they get tattoos? And, like, when did they start coming to life? And also, like -- not that I would notice or anything -- but, like, why is Barbie still wearing the same outfit from like a million years ago?
In the name of all that is fierce and chic! Those sorry excuses for stilettos/leather legwarmers/slingback boots just made us throw up in our mouths. Malibu Barbie would never be so crass. This gross, gross girl disgraces Barbie's good name!


QUEEN LATIFAH
Don't mistake -- we are card-carrying members of the Large and in Charge and TOTALLY FIERCE Club, but not when it's packaged like this, honey. Can someone please explain why our Covergirl is wearing a onsie? She looks like a sausage roll. Seriously, wearing that outfit is like BEGGING for a giant, un-pickable wedgie!

And don't get me started on the zip-off nursing triangle covering her right bosom.


FERGIE
Like, why, like, does Fergie have weapons for nails? She's, like, totally freaking me out.


ADAM, our 2009 American Idol
So, forgive us, but we're like totally emotional. Tonight was Adam's shining moment. And he was ABSOLUTELY dressed for the part. I mean, he started off so strong, with a decorative holster to compliment his shimmery red taffeta tie. And then (hold on, we're dabbing our eyes), he stepped out on stage wearing the most beautiful set of leather bondage/angel wings we've ever seen.
And we were watching and like, dying on the spot. And then, we saw the wide shot of his outfit:
I mean SASHA FIERCE, back me up, girl! What business does he have wearing such amazing platforms. I mean they're borderline stilts. Added to the leather and wings, we were knocked over. We literally couldn't get up from our chairs. All we could do was sit there, our mouths agape, and plan our knock-off outfits.

You could tell Adam felt like a million bucks -- I swear we saw a few tears in his eyes:
Oh, wait. I guess it was just glitter.

But, seriously. It's like all of Adam's fashion choices on the show led to this one moment, where he truly discovered where he belongs: sandwiched between two old men wearing makeup.

Could it be a more perfect ensemble? Adam, you've arrived! We love you, our American Idol! You'll always shine brighter than Kristine or Chrissy or Kreg or whatever that other person's name was.

Catch up on an entire season of "In the Toilet: American Idol 'Fashion'" by clicking here.

6 comments:

DC Diva said...

Sooooooo worth the wait!

I love it. It picked me up, took me back and had me reliving every moment all over again.

Can't wait for next year. (Will you dare commit again?)

Rachel said...

You did it! We were talking about this last night. Missed you so.

Holly said...

Queens and tweens... looking forward to what you will you come up with next year. :)

Ashley McNair said...

Best American Idol Fashion post ever! Thanks!

Kara said...

L.O.V.E.D. it! I'm so pleased with this post. Zip-off nursing triangle? Hysterical. HYSTERICAL!
This made me miss your funny self.

Alex M. said...

Like, how do you come up with this stuff! Totally, like, loved the tween sections! Haha! I miss you!
alex