I'd like to thank the academy

I don't know what I did in life to deserve all of this.

When I heard the news of my nomination, I had to stop and think about what exactly was in that sandwich. Was it chicken? Turkey? Now, as I type before you (and after extensive googling), the memory of that lunch will forever be ingrained in my heart.

First and foremost I'd like to thank my genes (with a g), without which I would not be me. No, really, I wouldn't.

To my charm and charisma - thank you for being such a powerful force in my life. Thank you also to the constant guidance of my brown eyes.

This award would not be mine without the help of my extensive wardrobe. We've had our rough spots in the past, but you came through for me this time. Thank you!

And I can't mention my wardrobe without acknowledging my shoes, which have supported me every step of the way.

Finally, to the academy (aka Marcie), who so generously bestowed this great honor upon me, I will never forget you! You are so charming, outspoken, gloriously irreverent, blindingly beautiful and generous in your compliments. You shine like a 100-watt light bulb. Or like one of those camping lanterns (I mean the newfangled fancy LED ones). Your tales of tripping, gifting, weddings, cellular phones, travels, parties -- really I could go on forever -- inspire others. I wish the whole world had a chance to spend five (hundred) minutes in your virtual presence. WORLD -- GO SPEND 500 MINUTES IN HER VIRTUAL PRESENCE!

Thank you from the depths of my being.

Oh and one more thing. To my publicist -- you're fired. How dare you send such a horrific photo of me across the World Wide Web.

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