Wednesday, April 15, 2009

In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion" (week 6)

You might assume the dwindling number of female contestants on American Idol would reduce the outfit complaints spewing forth from my mouth. But clearly the stylists insist on keeping my In the Toilet "fashion" series alive and kicking.

Last night the ensembles were as crappy/puzzling/cheap/awkward/BAD as usual. There were moments, however, when (most of) the judges and contestants appeared to be thinking,

"OH CRAP! WHAT AM I WEARING?"
Let's explore their revelations:
Quentin Tarantino: Hi folks! It's great to see you again. Yes I did say 'again.' Did you forget that although I have no formal musical expertise or movie/album to market I've been a judge before? Well, shoot.

Anyway, I have. And you may (or, in this case, may not) remember how much I love this show. I LOVE IT! I want to marry it. I'm borderline obsessed (minus the borderline). But isn't my enthusiasm contagious? Don't you agree that I'm 90 percent more fun than most judges? And my criticism is actually very relevant and -- if I may -- spot on?


I don't know if you noticed, but I'm wearing some very "special" shoes tonight. These bad boys weigh like 20 lbs. and help ensure my butt and thighs are nice and tight (which is critical in my line of work). And no, I didn't consider wearing other, more outfit appropriate shoes. You miss one day of firming/lifting and the next time you turn around, YOUR BUTT IS THE SIZE OF SATURN.
OH CRAP! WHAT AM I WEARING? This hairdo seemed like such a great idea backstage, but it's making me want to punch my own face. Whispy bangs?!?!


Randy: Um, hey dawg. I, uh. Yah. So I was all about the Randy Jackson Cardigan World Tour of '09. Dawg, I was ON BOARD. It was HOT!

But tonight, yo, I just don't get it. I mean maybe if I cover this part it works? Naw, you're right, dude. It looks like I took my v-neck cardigan to Maaco for a hot racing stripe. OH CRAP! WHAT AM I WEARING?

I'm gonna keep it real, yo, and admit that the plain white tee I've been wearing under every sweater during all of these shows is RIPE. Dude, for REAL. It's HOT (and not HOT-hot -- more like SMELLY and HOT MESS). I gotta change my shirt, dawg!

Adam: WASSUP???

Woooooo
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Dude, that was a high C).

So I'm obviously the most talented man/woman/child on the show.

AHHHHHHHHH(Just busting out a little more rock scream for you).

Don't you love my new hair? It's fierce. I look amazing.
OH CRAP! WHAT AM I WEARING? I just noticed that instead of rocker boots these are patent leather high tops. I was like THISCLOSE to having a great outfit.

Wooooooo--oo-OOO-ooo--aahhhhhhh.
ARRRRRRGGGGGAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Lil: OH CRAP! WHAT AM I WEARING? Do NOT take my picture again. I will smash that camera to bits, so help me. I'm SICK AND TIRED of the unflattering clothes you people keep putting me in. I'm NOT fat. And I shouldn't be wearing rolled jeans, shooties, a cropped cardigan with buttons that are working REAL HARD and a wife beater. Turn off that camera RIGHT NOW!
Alright, that's better. Aside from the weirdly peeking leopard print, I look slim. My legs are awesome -- my waist is tiny -- my decolletage is perfect. Thank you. FOR ONCE!
Just answer me one thing: why are we trying to fool the fans into believing my hair grew 12 inches in one week? My other weave was working FINE. Why did you make me look like that hippie Muppet named Janice?

Paula: GUYS! Guess what?! Since my bubblegum lip gloss tasted so awesome last week, I decided to try the blueberry kind. I didn't even bother applying it to my lips -- I just bit off the top. IT TASTES DELICIOUS!
And I couldn't be prouder that my bedazzled collar/leash turned this hefty bag from trashy to FABULOUS! To think it only took nine million jewels. It's like I always say, 'Dare to dance in the path of greatness.'
I mean, 'Fortune rewards the brave.' And I know a lot about music and I also know a lot of songwriters because I look at everyone's music right before the show and scribble the names on my hands so I look smarter than that dummy Kara. KARA doesn't have her own jewelry line on HSN, does she? Last time I checked NO! She looks so homely with her one necklace and one pair of earrings. She has no idea that the secret to life is to bravely wear every single piece of jewelry that will fit on your body at one time. You can't see it right now, but I'm wearing four toe rings and a belly chain. ARE YOU, KARA?

Producer: We have no control over our "beauty" team (and I use the term "beauty" VERY liberally). So we asked our film crew to get a shot that would symbolize exactly how we feel about Danny's outfit -- a fashion disaster that belongs behind bars. Heh heh. Take that, STYLISTS!

Danny: Why is the crew shooting me from behind the harp? Oh CRAP! WHAT AM I WEARING? The stylists promised me no one would notice this is Simon's mother's blazer. They said it would look fresh and spring-y. They said I look sexy in wrinkled cotton.

But I KNEW someone would see the feminine row of buttons on the three-quarter sleeves. Even the producers noticed, which explains why they're implying that I should be locked up in a harp jail.

As if I wasn't emotional enough already about this song!

Anoop: Get this d@^* jacket off of me NOW! Throw it over there, in the dumpster where it belongs. It's just some old suit coat that you cut the sleeves off and replaced with old letter jacket sleeves. It's a failed home-ec project, that's what it is. I look like a tool. I should have stuck with the shirt and tie and burned this jacket when you were busy making Allison look like the saggy, baggy elephant.
Allison: I so love being a rocker chic. I just feel way hardcore, and the stylists get that.

Well, I mean they think they get it.

OH CRAP! WHAT AM I WEARING? There are pockets big enough to carry several babies on each of my hips. And these leggings are baggy! Aren't leggings supposed to be tight? Maybe if I just use my left leg to pull them up a little?
I just noticed that I'm wearing a belt OVER the trench/dress belt thing, which is tied in a bow. And there are embroidered crosses on my right breast? Isn't that a little sacrilegious considering the fact that this whole ensemble is a fashion sin? Someone, please save me!
Catch up on the American Idol "In the Toilet" fashion series here.

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7 comments:

Andrea Marie Photography said...

I love getting a glimpse at the world through your eyes. You're hilarious and I love the critiques.

P.S. The pic of your lion hair was totally hot!! You should do your hair curly more often!

DC Diva said...

Yo Becky, I don't know, but for me, for you, for you, for me this entry was HOT! I mean, I'm like whaaaaaat? Listen up dawg, with words like that, you could write the phone book, ya know what I'm sayin'? It was TIGHT!

Kelsey said...

I can't wait to see your shots from Paula's decolletage (I just learned that word from you) last night!

Kara said...

Two words: standing ovation.

Re: last night...I never realized that Paula needs a boob reduction, but she does. Who knew? Maybe all her jewelry DID serve a purpose, to cover up her REAL jewels?

Alex M. said...

Heehee...I can't wait until next week when it's "Disco Week"! Good times, good times...even though I wasn't alive...whatever! I still love the music!
--alex

Khand said...

Yeah...everyone's a critic.

Becky said...

I have to say, I wait very impatiently every week to read your In the Toilet series. Love it! You are spot on!