Wednesday, April 22, 2009

In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion" (week 7)

As you've noticed, I only critique the "fashions" of American Idol contestants on Tuesday nights. It's because my crunched schedule means I watch Wednesday nights in fast forward -- just tell me who got kicked off already!

But I can't proceed without acknowledging the egregious CRIMES AGAINST MODESTY committed by Ms. Abdul last Wednesday:
Holy smokes -- those straps are working HARD FOR THE MONEY (so hard for it, honey). I broke out in a sweat (and song) the instant I spied this dress: is it structurally sound? Is there some sort of backstitching reinforcement hidden behind those cupholders? What happens if the levee breaks?

Chris was worried too:
Matt was despondent, anticipating the worst:Danny summoned the powers of heaven:Luckily, the straps shouldered their heavy load throughout the entire show!

Kara's thoughts: Yes! I didn't have to see Paula's secret upper parts! This is the best day of my life!

Paula's thoughts: What are we cheering about? Why is Kara jumping up and down? I'm going to jump HIGHER and smile WIDER than she can even IMAGINE. She'll never replace me! NEVER!

Randy's thoughts: Kara, put down your arm, I want to see Paula's BIG REVEAL. Where's the flash, dawg?

Moving on, Tuesday night we saw
the good,
the bad,
the REALLY bad

Of course it was Kara. She's the only one with two fashion sense brain cells to rub together. From the FIERCE color of her frock (yay for hot pink!) with the awesome architectural neckline/straps to the great accessorizing and perfectly coiffed ponytail -- she looked amazing. Even from the back:
Since Kara wins the best outfit award YET AGAIN, we'll be deferring to her in our analysis of the other contestants and judges.

But before we get to the bad, the REALLY bad and the ugly, we must pause to acknowledge the the nearly awesome and the awkward.

Whoa, Adam -- nice suit?! Wow. You look, well, GREAT! Perfect fit (even if it is made of satin), good tie, overall a REALLY GOOD OUTFIT.

The close up of your hair reveals a poofy fauxhawk. With A LOT of product in the mix. Why does your profile remind me of a rooster with ruffled feathers? Maybe if we focus on the wideshot and not your elevated hairdo, we'll remember how very close to awesome you came with this outfit.

(I know, Paula. It's sad, but save those tears for a worse outfit [like your own?]. He came SO CLOSE!)

Simon skipped his nipple-revealing black v-neck, opting instead for a Hanes Beefy Tee undershirt. As if that wasn't awkward enough, Chris took the stage only to realize he was wearing the EXACT SAME THING AS SIMON! Ryan attempted to rectify the situation by shoving Chris off stage before anyone noticed. It was awkward, indeed!
Kara's Call:"Simon, ew!"

This week Paula's outfit was only bad (not REALLY bad or UGLY. Wow, that's a sad commentary on the styling of this show when Paula's kooky ensemble isn't the worst).

Anyway, she paired a semi-sheer, floral-printed, laced-neckline, bedazzled-collar-and-cuffs tunic(/dress?) with a leopard-spotted gumball ring/earrings set, a large CZ ring and frosty pink lip gloss that could reflect your soul if you peered into it for more than three seconds.
Kara's Call:
"I mean, what am I supposed to say? 'Good job for not sucking as bad as usual even though you still look terrible?'"
I have no words. On what planet is it a good idea to wear a spandex body glove on national television for any event other than surfing and/or mud wrestling?
Kara's Call:
"Look, honey. I don't know what you want me to say. You had to have known that this getup would do your womanly nether regions NO FAVORS."
Where do you even begin with an outfit of such excruciating terribleness? All pleather? Sequins? Leggings hewn from an old pool cover? Bustiere worn atop a mini dress? Bolero jacket with piping? Matching piped platforms?

But oh it gets worse. Apparently Allison is wearing a FORMAL pleather piped bolero. Look at the tails!
Kara's Call:
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S HOLY ARE YOU WEARING?!!!!! Did you choose this yourself or did someone pick it our for you? TELL ME WHO'S RESPONSIBLE! I will not only give them a swirlie in the public restroom, I will personally banish whoever did this from within 1,000 MILES of this studio. And if you're responsible for this Allison, so help me I'll make it my PERSONAL MISSION to ABSOLVE you of all privileges of dressing yourself from now until the bitter end of your long life. And if I die before that day, I'll MAKE ALTERNATE ARRANGEMENTS FOR MY WISHES TO BE CARRIED OUT POSTMORTEM!"
More In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion" here.

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eileen said...

i laughed out loud several times while reading this post.

can't believe law school will be over SO soon :)

Kara said...

Perfectly hilarious. Loved Kara's take on everything, esp. the facial expressions!
Honestly though, darling, how could you have omitted Randy's graffiti fashion faux pas? It was making me want to get out a spray paint can and go to town on my closet.

becky said...

I actually took about 60 pictures of this episode and had to do a little editing nip/tuck with the end result. There are just so many BAD outfits! I could really go on for days.

Every time I saw Randy, though, I kept thinking "Ring Around the Randy!" That shirt was a monstrosity. Graffiti? Dip-dye? Um, it was bad. WAY BAD!

Holly said...

oh my holy bodysuit?!?!?! i hear she got kicked off, probably because of it...

why is your career not in fashion?

Ashley McNair said...

After the show this week, I was dying to read your commentary! So so so so great! Hilarious!

Alisha Haight said...

I feel cooler after reading your posts. I don't even watch American Idol, but your comments are SOOO ON!! Someone should be paying you for this:)

DC Diva said...

Fantastic, my friend. Simply fantastic. (not to mention DEAD ON!)

DC Diva said...

p.s. LOVE the shoes!!