Wednesday, April 29, 2009

In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion" (week 8)

I'm exhausted. This self-appointed "task" of "evaluating" the "fashions" on Fox's juggernaut "singing" "talent" "show" is WEARING ME OUT. Being critical is hard work.

So today I'm switching things up. With the help of the ever-stylish Jamie Foxx (thank you, Fox! -- the network I mean), we're going to throw a little positivity bone at the A.I. stylists (just don't blame us if that hypothetical bone nails them in the head).


Jamie will help me determine which A.I. "fashion" trends to
EMBRACE!

and which should make you

RUN SCREAMING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!

First thing's first -- Jamie and I need to stage an intervention. As you probably noticed, Randy is stuck in a v-neck cardigan/white beefy tee/homemade beaded jewelry rut. (See
here, here, here and here). We thought he snapped out of it last week with his "ring around the Randy" graffiti shirt, which was, at best, different than usual and, at worst, UGLY:
This week he was back to his old ways:

Jamie seyz: Naw, dawg. You know I'm your dude, but fo' real?

You need to step away from the cardigans. It's one thing to wear your favorite sweats around your house for 10 days straight. But you're ON TELEVISION, dude. People will notice you're wearing the same da*% thing every single week. And I'm not saying you should rock that ugly tee again, but maybe you could try a sweater
without little buttons down the front (also known as a pullover). What about a jacket? A tie?


Whatever you got to do, do it.



On with the bone throwing...



EMBRACE!
Men, this is how you should be rocking your professional wear: skinny tie with a tie bar, a simple folded pocket square and a slim-fitting, European-cut suit; all in basic colors and patterns.
RUN SCREAMING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!
While flattery is (usually) the best compliment, don't copy someone else's outfit VERBATIM! This is Chris' second straight week of copying! And while we are glad he had the wherewithal to mimic Ryan and not Simon, from the looks of things, Ryan is pissed. See? No one likes a copycat.
Jamie seyz: Hey, Chris! Remember when I said you were my number one favorite on this show? That was before I saw that you copied Ryan.

Now you're everything I hate about Hollywood.

Naw, I'm kidding cat! You look cool, just don't get caught backstage alone with the Seacrest!





EMBRACE!
Matt is definitely showing some swagger from the neck up with his fedora. Men, every so often, please trade your Red Sox hat for something a bit more polished, like a classic fedora (worn a bit off kilter, please).
RUN SCREAMING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!
DON'T wear formal attire inspired by Full House. This frumpy two-button navy suit, french blue shirt and red (it was more like maroon on the show) tie combo makes Matt look less like a cool fedora-wearing dude and more like a door-to-door vacuum salesman. Or a chiropractor. Or our dads circa 1991.

Jamie seyz: Seriously? They made you shop in your dad's closet? That's just wrong, dude.

I know it's a recession, but can we please give the brother some new threads?!







EMBRACE!
This season is all about bangs, but thick bangs cut straight across the forehead aren't everyone's cup-o-tea. Try a side-swept bang!
RUN SCREAMING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!
Don't confuse feminine with froofy or complicated or fluttery jumbles of skirt. The proportions on this stumpifying dress are all wrong: she needs a wide belt to visually lower the waistline and a skirt that is about two inches shorter with less hip-enlarging volume. Maybe next time (if there is a next time) the stylists can QUIT trying to make Allison look like a rocker and START making her look like a lady!

Jamie seyz: My esteemed associate got it right -- less fussy and more lady.

And take that skirt up like two inches.








EMBRACE!
It's ALWAYS a good idea to use flattering lighting to make your outfit look totally awesome. Whether it's a million sweat-inducing stage bulbs, as in Adam's case, or the soft flicker of candlelight, a well-chosen glow can work wonders on almost any outfit.
RUN SCREAMING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!
DO NOT wear a slim white formal suit made from shiny silk shantung. Just don't even consider it as a possibility. You'll look two parts John Travolta, two parts Wayne Newton (based on the low-slung button and overall fit of the jacket) and the rest of the parts Liberace. Find another way to express your inner drama queen.

Jamie seyz: My eyeballs are burnin'! I can't even look. Tell me when it's over.

Oh crap, it's burned into my memory and I can see that sorry getup in my mind's eye.

MAKE IT STOP!




EMBRACE!
Old Hollywood glamour looks good on everyone. Try wearing your hair with soft, face-framing barrel curls. And wear more red. If you don't look good in red, wear red shoes. Do whatever needs to be done to add a little bit of spicy red to your life.
RUN SCREAMING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!
But don't pin red dinner napkins to the top of your dress. I frankly don't CARE if you just took a class from the leading expert on origami napkin folding. IT HAS NO PLACE IN YOUR CLOSET! You look like the engineer of an elaborate optical illusion designed to make people think you have a well-endowed chest. Wipe that smug smile off your face -- it isn't working. You pinned those napkins closer to your armpits than your bosom. No one's buying it!

Jamie seyz: Congratulations, Ms. Abdul. For the millionth straight week, yours is the worst outfit of the bunch. You've managed to turn a potentially fantastic dress color completely whack! I don't even have to tell you that look is tore up from the floor up.

But can we at least wrap this thing on a positive note? At least you don't look like this again:




Catch up on earlier weeks of In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion" here.

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6 comments:

Holly said...

written ever so well yet again. when I saw paula's dress last night (before I fell asleep after the second song) I thought to myself, Becky is going to have a hayday with that one!

DC Diva said...

I thought Paula looked like she was wearing two lobster claws. I, like Holly, thought "Oh Becky is going to LOVE this one. I bet she's letting out that high-pitched squeal/laugh that is classic BW right now. Can't wait to hear what she writes about his!"

You did not disappoint.

Kara said...

Best line: "That look is tore up from the floor up."
You do Jamie Foxx almost as good as he does himself.
Ironically, the words "What the h#%& is she wearing napkins on her chest for?" left my mouth at precisely 8:02 Tuesday night.

Another fab fashion follow-up again.

Alex M. said...

Okay so I love how you added the little pics of Jamie in there....they totally matched what you had him say!
--alex

Mom said...

Becky, Your blog cracks me up! I loved it and so did Aunt Tami. Love, Mom

Maegan said...

I am now logging on every week to follow the fashion critic. I think your commentary makes your blog THE funniest one I read. I look forward to next entry.
And you got the job in Utah- yay! I am so excited for you guys to be out here. There are 2 homes in our neighborhood that you should check out when you come out here.