In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion" (FINALE -- part 1)

Given the EXTREME lateness of this post (and I'm not referring to the fact that it is 1:39 a.m. ON A WORK NIGHT), I should probably offer a sincere apology and explanation.

But you've been waiting FOREVER and if you were in this room right this moment, you'd be red-faced and screaming, "SHUT UP AND BLOG!"

Okay, okay.

First, I have something for you -- a peace offering, if you will. You should know the acquisition of this gift nearly caused a rift in the Wickstrom marriage (one of us was in a hurry), but I persevered. I had to see the look on your face (which apparently I'll have to imagine, unless you decide to send me a reaction picture. I'll enthusiastically accept messages at heywickstroms@gmail.com).

Behold:

You can now look as HIDEOUS as Lil Rounds by owning your very own dog collar stripper shoes (available here). Congratulations, American Idol "stylists." Your handicrafts have made the world a MUCH WORSE PLACE!

During night one of the way-too-long-and-drawn-out finale, I was perplexed by the judges' apparent lack of preparation before the show. Randy clearly ran out of time to change outfits after presiding over a meeting of the National Alliance of Door-to-Door Goofy Clown Salesmen:

And Simon was so hurried he barely got his shirt on, let alone buttoned:
(Unless he thought chest hair was an appropriate accessory for formal wear, in which case we'll be staging an intervention, STAT!)

Then, of course, there was Paula. She was rushing around, scrambling to fasten her lime silk bed sheet into a gown, and ran out the door without an umbrella. As a result, she was rocking a strangely flat yet poofy lion mane-esque hairdo:

Tragically, the hair was the least of her problems. Simon kindly (felt up her leg) pointed out the unfinished portion of her bed sheet-turned-gown. The "stylists" must have used up too much fabric sculpting a massive rose betwixt her bosoms, leaving poor Paula with an exposed thigh, upper thigh (and lower crotch?). Whoops!

At least the contestants began the night completely clothed and representative of their various musical genres. I love a man in a tough black leather motorcycle jacket.

Both Adam and Kris had their high fashion points of the night:

And I was almost hypnotized into believing my important work calling attention to American Idol's fashion atrocities was done.

But...
(you knew there was a but)

Kris took the stage and everything was fine from the neck up:

Then the camera panned down, revealing an oversized pea coat. Maybe the judges' frazzledness rubbed off on him and Kris ran on stage before realizing he was still wearing his frumpy winter jacket. How embarrassing!

And Adam. Again, decent from the neck up:
Studded shoulders? Okay, I can work with that. Then the downward camera panning began...
Um, is that a lariat necklace? Not very manly, but I guess it could be worse. Downward panning continues...
HUH? Wait a sec. Maybe the lighting is doing weird things to his pants. Is my camera color screwbally?
Okay, what is going on backstage? First the judges show up half disheveled and then Adam takes the stage with streaky bleached-out skin-tight jeans. I wonder if he was trying to remove his permanently black nail polish and spilled a drop (does bleach remove nail polish?). The stylists scrambled, yelling, "Oh crap! Our reputation will be ruined if we allow Adam on stage looking like this!" Then one intrepid youngster (probably the genius behind the dog collar stripper shoes) grabbed the bottle from Adam's hand and doused his pants.
And boots? Isn't that a bit much?

Katie Holmes was horrified, desperately shielding Suri's innocent eyes from Adam's shameful get-up. Good thing both mom and daughter could look forward to a big glass of Scientology happy juice when they got home to erase the nasty visuals. Kinda like bleach for the brain.

Stay tuned for the final chapter in American Idol's 2009 bad fashions. Click here to catch up on In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion."

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