In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion" (week 9)

Fox insists on hogging my "In the Toilet" fashion series (DESPITE the fact ONLY FOUR CONTESTANTS REMAIN!). And though I'm exhausted from life in general, I cannot allow these egregious American Idol fashion disasters to slip through the cracks unnoticed.

So, sorry for the delay, but buckle up -- it's gonna be a crazy ride...

...because SLASH is directing this tour bus! Seriously, how crappy would you feel if you were a hardcore rocker/legendary guitar player gallivanting around American Idol as a judge and trying not to giggle at the oompa loompa shade of orange Ryan Seacrest painted his skin?
Anyway, this week, each contestant will receive SLASHES (aka demerits/fail points/pictures of Slash's face) rating the terribleness of their outfit and its various components. The more SLASHES someone receives, the more my eyeballs burn when I look at their clothes.

Let's start with the group shot. I could NOT stop singing, "One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong. Can you tell which thing is not like the other thing before I finish my song?"

Danny just looks so awkward. Apparently the A.I. "stylists" didn't get the memo about red dress shirt + black jeans + untied combat boots NOT EQUALING ROCKER!

INEQUITABLE BAD OUTFIT DISTRIBUTION SLASHES:

On to the judges.

First of all, I'm happy to report the intervention staged by me and Jamie Foxx WORKED! Randy broke free from the cardigans (though the silly beads remained):
He also took a page from Paula Abdul's school of only wearing garments coated in bling:
At least he looks pleased with himself.

BLINGED TEE SLASHES:

Speaking of Paula, she almost single-handedly (co-conspitor to be revealed shortly) bumped the show's rating to NC-17 by offering a full view of her produce aisle:
I really wanted to like this dress -- it had great potential. How hard would it have been to wear a cami? But I felt like she was acutely aware of her very obvious melon display and, if confronted on the topic, would have said,

"What? Why can't you meet my eyes? Pay no attention to my bazoombas! What? I don't care if my bra is hanging out. I'm trying to make a point about softballs and pillows and soft clouds of marshmallow cream."

IMMODESTY SLASHES:

I was so involuntarily fixated on her, ahem, CLEAVAGE I almost overlooked her accessory overload. Almost.
My favorite items were the "when you wish upon a star" earrings:

BAD/OVER-ACCESSORIZING SLASHES:

Let's pause to remember how adorable (and 16) Allison can be when free from shackles of the A.I. terrorists (I mean stylists):
They caught her before the show, though, and smeared her face with age-increasing (like 50 years) crusty and tired makeup:
And then they (painstakingly) glued 10,000 baby mirrors to the thighs (and back pockets) of her black pants and borrowed her a pair of boots from the jolly Knights of Stotts (by "borrowed" I mean "stole from" while the good Knights were bathing in a river):
But after the stylists saw her completed look and before Allison took to the stage, everyone agreed she looked a little "dark." In a last-minute stroke of brilliance, they glued a small golden angel wing applique to the top of her buns:

OVERALL BAD OUTFIT/MAKEUP SLASHES:

Adam is the aforementioned co-conspirator trying to boost the show's rating to NC-17. His tactic wasn't "cassavas," though. He was using these:

Am I the only one who thinks these bell-bottomed pants are embarrassingly revelatory? [BLUSH] But they weren't the only pair he wore.

Altogether now: Beatlejuice, Beatlejuice, BEATLEJUICE!

ANATOMY-HUGGING BAD PANTS SLASHES:

Also, while I recognize that many male rockers "rock" makeup and I openly acknowledge that a darkly lined eye often looks very cool, Adam's makeup was a drag. Literally -- it looked more like a drag queen than like members of the rock group Queen.

NON-ROCK/DRAG QUEEN MAKEUP:

SLASHES/demerits/fail points have been flung about by the fistful, but let's end on a happy note. Though they both take top prize for bad rock outfits, Adam and Allison should keep their hairstylist. She's pretty much the only fashion contributor on the show who really rocks:
Catch up on In the Toilet: American Idol "Fashion" here.

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